Cliches exist for a reason. Nothing makes that more clear than the last 24 hours of my life, Jesus Christ. We've all heard people say they'd love to be a weatherman and get paid to be wrong most of the time, but fuck me sideways with a lunchbox, at what point is it too much. Now they can be wrong ALL of the time?

Last night. Hurr durr snow is coming in but its just a dusting that'll take a couple hours overnight, maybe get a half inch. Wake up, IT'S STILL FUCKING SNOWING AND THERES LIKE THREE INCHES ON THE GROUND. Bravo.

Lol oopz we're jus' kiddin on that one, anyway, this next batch is coming in around 5pm... OH WHOOPS SCRATCH THAT IT'S NOON AND IT'S ALREADY SNOWING, NO BIG DEAL THOUGH, IT'S JUST ANOTHER LIGHT DUSTING BEFORE THE STORM. PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE HEAVY SNOWFALL AND SEVERAL MORE INCHES ON THE GROUND, I'M A METEOROLOGIST, MOTHERFUCKER.

But hey, why stop there. There will be a lull of about two hours between storms guys, it's still going to snow though. By which I meant it won't snow for five friggin hours before another metric ton of shit comes along and drops on your fucking head in an increment that it'd be pretty God damn foolish for you to take my word for. PAYCHECK PLZ.

Like, honestly. What is your research process? Three dartboards in a row, location, temperature, weather conditions. Toss toss toss, it's going to be 97 degrees in Ontario with heavy sleet. THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I know this shit moves around and is a little tough to predict, and I tend to give you guys the benefit of the doubt, but not when you literally fuck up every single aspect of your job for over a day straight. If I'm at a factory building cars and I end up making a chocolate cake instead, I expect somebody to come by and tell me they have a slight problem with my results.

Stay inside tomorrow morning. They're predicting the storm will be gone by dawn, which I've concluded means it's probably going to be the motherfucking apocalypse around that time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go shovel the jack shit off my stairs.

Labels: blizzard, fail, northeast, snow storm, weathermen

I meant to change the default text from black to white, because the black text on the red looks like shit. But then I didn't and semester kicks back up tomorrow so I won't have time to unless you tell me. True story.

Also the Jets are fuckwads

Labels: fuckin magnets, html, jets steelers

So, Auburn has been crowned the latest champion. What better time to talk about what a complete joke this "sport" is?

No, I'm not going to get into DURR ONE FOOT IN BOUNDS FOR A CATCH IS STUPID, nobody cares about my spergy views on the actual rules of the game. Lets focus on what a brutally, blatantly, hilariously corrupt business college football is.

Ohio State competed in and won the Sugar Bowl this year. In the days leading up to the game, it was learned that five significant players accepted tattoos in exchange for autographs. Now, according to the NCAA, you can't do shit like that. You're college athletes, not pros, you aren't allowed to take gifts, money, and so on. So, those five players were suspended.

FOR THE BEGINNING OF NEXT YEAR.

Now, you say, but enraged guy on the internet, why would the NCAA do this? Why wouldn't they suspend them for the Sugar Bowl, wouldn't that be a more appropriate punishment? Why let them play in the Sugar Bowl and suspend them next year, when they might not even still be in college?

Money. The Sugar Bowl is a major televised event, and they were star players. Suspending them would hurt the quality of the game, which would make people be less inclined to watch it, which would cost the NCAA money through future sponsors being less interested, and so on.

In other words, the NCAA doesn't give a flying fuck about its own rules when its rules get in the way of the NCAA profiting.

Fucking Cam Newton. Now, can I hold a piece of paper in front of you, say "this proves 100% with no doubt whatsoever Cam Newton accepted money to play for Auburn"? No. I can't do that. I can not factually prove with evidence that Cam Newton did that.

But, lets use our fucking heads here. His father HAS been caught shopping Cam around, trying to get money for his sons dedication to a school. Yes, I'm sure Cam Newton had no fucking idea his father was making money off him, and I'm sure he benefited from it in no way what so fucking ever. In related news, I just brushed my teeth with a  fucking leaf rake and am wondering why my mouth has been hurting for the past several minutes.

The NCAA investigated the case. For about 45 seconds. Then they said "whoops, shit, people like watching Cam Newton on television." Shockingly, they found nothing indicating he did anything wrong! If Cam Newton wasn't a star quarterback in a championship game, he would have been barred from NCAA competition in about ten seconds. If he was some douchebag that sits on the sideline and never plays, gone.

But he isn't. He's a star, so the NCAA looks the other way. Much like the case itself, I can't hand you a piece of paper that factually proves NCAA does this, but again, think about it. Doesn't seem too far fetched, does it?

The NCAA is a business, and that is all it is. They care about making money, not about having a legitimate sport. Look at this list of bowl games this year. Instead of a playoff to have a team earn a championship, we have the Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl. We have the Little Caesars Bowl. The NEW ERA PINSTRIPE BOWL. THE NEW ERA PINSTRIPE BOWL? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

As a closing note, go check out Division 2 and Division 3 college football. They have playoffs. They have legitimate championships, because they have top teams compete to get there. You know why they have playoffs and a legitimate sport?

Because nobody watches them and the NCAA can't capitalize on them wasting our collective time with the Hey Look, Another Advertiser Woohoo Bowl. Now, look. They wouldn't be doing this bullshit if it wasn't paying the bills, people watch and the NCAA is a wildly successful business.. The NCAA knows something I don't. Which is weird, I thought I knew half this planet is fucking retarded. 

God damn it, the Beef 'O' Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl was on December 21st, I completely forgot. Anybody still got that on their TiVo?

Labels: ncaa sucks

Sigh. If you've never heard of the kid above, he still drives that car in the background around the house too. Probably. Maybe. I dunno. He's five years older than your typical Halo player.

This came up in discussion somewhere else yesterday, and my disdain for Halo aside, I'm not going to rip it exclusively, though it is part of the problem.

Have you SEEN any of these user driven Best Games Of All Time lists? The ones generated by website operators tend to be relatively rational, but ones that anyone with a computer can vote, holy shit.

Find me one that the top three games ever made aren't Halo 3, Gears of War 2, and GTA 4. A bunch of 12 year olds with bad parents get a 360, get a game or two, and boom, that is the best game ever made, period. It's fucking outrageous. 

"Fanboys" too, fuck the lot of you. Even if you like something I do. Halo Reach on GameSpot had about two dozen 10.0 "Perfect" ratings from users before the fucking game was released. Killzone 2 for PS3 was THE 360 KILLER and what a bunch of angsty children that needed to defend their console choice rallied behind, again, calling perfect before it was even released.

By the way, if you think I'm exaggerating this shit, I've talked to these kids before. I played Gears Of War (it sucks) and got to talking about Doom with some 12 year old. He thought it was a movie. As in, a movie and nothing else.

I DO NOT LIKE DEBATES THAT BOTH SIDES ARE RETARDED KIDDIES.

I don't really have a lot more to say on this one at the risk of alienating readers that don't give a fuck about video games, but honestly. This is why voters for the Baseball Hall Of Fame need to cover baseball in the media for quite a long time before being given a vote. The idea is so they get a good sampling of what the sport has to offer, as opposed to watching their first baseball game and going OMG EVERY SINGLE PLAYER ON THE FIELD IS LIKE THE BEST PLAYER EVER LOLOLOLOL.

A little more about fanboys first, though. Take a look at these fucking neckbeards.

HNEEEEEHHHHH DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT A VIDEO GAME I LIKE, I'LL BEAT YOU UP IN IT. You can almost feel the stale Fritos falling out of rolls of this guys head fat, eyes wide with terror that somebody doesn't think Super Smash Brothers games are God's gift to dorks. HOLD ON MOM, I CAN'T GO TO BED YET, SOMEBODY ON THE INTERNET IS DISAGREEING WITH ME! 

You all gotta take a fucking step back, here. Your precious little game will still be everything you like about it without getting spammed to #1 All-Time on some meaningless list, and it'll still be the same thing if somebody online doesn't like it too.

ALSO IF ANY OF YOU SAY SOMETHING BAD ABOUT BLACK OPS I WILL FIND OUT WHERE YOU LIVE AND CUT YOUR BRAKES

Labels: halo reach, i dong bring up, losers, neckbeards, overrated games, retards

For starters, I learned the hard way while searching for an image for this post that you shouldn't Google image search "Doctor Asshole" with safesearch turned off. I don't recommend it, its pretty fucking weird.

Also, don't search "Doctor Jerk" either, thats apparently the gay version of "Doctor Asshole". Fucking shit this is off to a bad start, lets just use generic Scrubs imagery.

There. I found a picture of a doctor on the internet that didn't involve a fist in an ass or a cock in a mouth, and it only took me five minutes. Can we fucking continue now?

Since I've been inactive for a bit, we're coming back with story time, as this is something from my past that pissed me off. It's a pretty short entry, so in a way I'm thankful for the internet being so fucked up and giving me a couple extra paragraphs of material.

I used to go to this doctor, y'see. When I was a little kid. Whenever he gave me shots, he used this strategy where he would distract me and act like we were just hanging out, then suddenly impale my arm with a violent swing of a needle. The idea was if it was over before I knew what was friggin coming, it wouldn't be so bad.

Thing is, doing this meant that needle went in hard, he hit my arm, and it hurt like a bastard. Kids are going to be bitchy whiny little brats when they get stabbed with something, so I can't really fault him for pissing me off back then. However.

I still went to this guy til I was almost 13. At that point, he was still doing this. Like, at that point I'm just going OW, BITCH THAT HURT, WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU'RE FOOLING NIGGA I KNOW WHAT I'M HERE FOR. I'm months away from being a teenager, I'm aware my father didn't take me to a doctors office because he thought it'd be a fun place to hang out.

And this motherfucker still thinks he's pulling a fast one on me.

I should go back there for an appointment sometime. I'm ready now. COUNTERSTRIKE, BITCH.

Labels: doctor visit, medical fail, needle, pain