So, it's Black Friday. A day that, if you have any desire to participate in as a consumer, you have severe mental problems that are being capitalized upon by large companies laughing at you while commenting on how fucking ridiculous you are for getting up at 3AM to do anything whatsoever, much less buy Jessica Simpson's new CD.

Thankfully, to help you poor bastards cope with the stress of this endeavor, generous shitty mothers throughout the country have taken it upon themselves to bring their sniveling little brats along to make everything take longer and fuck with you.

Go ahead and ask one of these lovely children if they could please move and take their screaming and flailing act out of the direct center of the aisle. It's like a summoning spell for shit parents. They'll pop out from behind some Kinect display and threaten you with a lawsuit or some bullshit, while completely ignoring their sniveling little shit child that's biting your ankle. These parents are some kind of weird breed that live in an alternate dimension and only briefly appear to scream at you when you gently point out their kid is fucking annoying. It's lovely.

But it gets even better! Usually these lectures about how you have no right to mention something pissing off 95% of the people in the store come from a real mom of the year. I find the most enlightening lessons come from pregnant 17 year olds with two kids in a stroller and holes deliberately cut in the ass of their pants. Also, texting "wutz up bb" while bitching at you is a nice touch. Far more effective than eye contact, and saves me the awkwardness of looking directly at the swollen part of your face that might as well have "bitch overcooked my Hungry Man" written on it.

In any event, I suppose my point, if I have one at all, is that this entire concept is ridiculous and it'd be just swell if we could go back to a time that people didn't sit around the table on Thanksgiving saying "hurry up and eat this shit so we can go get Christmas presents". 

Can we knock it off with the fucking useless traffic lights in this country?

While we let rotaries run rampant as tourists use them ass backwards and attempt to kill each other, we seem to feel a need to add more traffic lights to areas that don't fucking need them.

Thanks to this lovely trend, there is now a stretch in a town near me that has no less than three red lights in about 300 feet. A new one was added late last month, and has just been getting used the past couple of weeks.

I have been stopped at this red light no less than four times in the last three days. The presumption is when a red light shows up, its so cars waiting coming from another direction can go.

IN THESE FOUR STOPS, THERE HAS NOT BEEN ONE CAR THAT HAS GONE WHILE WE WAITED, BECAUSE IN THESE FOUR STOPS, THE GRAND TOTAL OF FUCKING CARS WAITING TO GO SITS AT ZERO. ZERO FUCKING CARS FOR FOUR FUCKING RED LIGHTS.

You have got to be KIDDING me. These light arbitrarily goes off when it feels like, I'd imagine because once upon a time some idiot got t-boned turning onto the main road from the side street because they're a shitty driver. So, due to that wonderful person, we now have a light that literally turns red for no reason whatsoever, causing people coming north and south to sit with their thumbs up their collective ass for a minute while NOTHING HAPPENS.

This is very reminiscent of that bullshit that happens when a schoolbus stops now, and has gone on for the last ten years. Some dumb kid a long time ago decided it'd be fun to get off the bus and promptly crawl under it, now we need some fat retired secretary to take thirty seconds every stop to make sure kamikaze kids aren't waiting on the sidewalk for a school bus to recklessly fling themselves under.

Get a grip. Accidents happen every now and then. Accidents are bad, nobody likes accidents. That's why they're called accidents. The solution is not inconveniencing everybody else on the fucking planet.

Labels: rage, red lights suck, traffic lights

Fucking A. You'd think with a fivehead like that, some creativity could be found within. I'm afraid that isn't the case. This man goes by the name of David Tanny, you may have heard of him if you ever Googled "most purely unfunny person on the face of the fucking planet".

You really can't appreciate how bad this is until you hear it. So, lets pause for a minute so you have a chance to give your ears herpes.

I'd imagine I've established my point, and if you haven't killed yourself by now there isn't much point in me continuing anyway because that "video" really speaks for itself. But, think about this a little.

Not only was that supposed to be a good song, it was supposed to be funny. This man calls himself a comedian. Can you with the laser pointer indicate where in this video a joke is? Fuck analyzing if they're funny or not, WHERE ARE THEY. 

I assure you, the more you look, the worse it gets. When I first found this and saw a CD consisting of "parodies" of TV commercials, I should have known to run. Hell, I did know to run, I just didn't because frankly I don't really like myself. 

This is the backlash of Weird Al ever getting any praise. Now, Weird Al wasn't my cup of tea, but you had to at least acknowledge he had some level of talent. Unfortunately, his admirers come up with the bright idea that they're going to be the next big thing writing "parody songs", which falls flat for a lot of reasons. First of all, HEY, HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW WEIRD AL IS THE ONLY ONE THAT EVER GOT ANYWHERE DOING THIS, HINT HINT. Secondly, if you're going to carry out this idea, at least know what it fucking means. Saying "boobs" a lot and adding a laugh track isn't a parody, it's a sad and immature cry for help from somebody that should not be attempting to do what they are doing.

Also, that Metalocalypse comedy episode, where they see the stand up comedian at the club and his entire set is "(old reference) REMEMBER THOSE? REMEMBER THOSE?"...... yeah, that was not meant to be taken seriously. Endlessly rattling off the titles of things from the 80's is not comedy. Saying "we were watching Cheers" is not comedy. You are not comedy.

Look. David Tanny may be a nice guy. Maybe he's great with kids, maybe he's the friendly neighbor you can always count on to grab your paper off the lawn when you go on vacation. That isn't the point. He is listing himself as a comedian, and he simply isn't one. Not like Dane Cook "I don't like him but I can at least locate where he is attempting to be funny", as in I literally cannot determine what I am supposed to be amused by.

When I go to a restaurant, I don't expect to walk into a building that some guy is in the corner watching TV, he says "hi", and that's it. It might not be good food, but at one point or another, I expect to get a fucking plate of something. I'm currently at the David Tanny Comedy Buffet, and I am starving to death.

Labels: david tanny homosex

Hello potential voters, thanks for voting.

If you elected to take a straight ticket, fuck you. Fuck you so fucking much.

Look at the issues, look at the candidates. If you choose to vote every single member of the party you support in, so be it.

But look at them. Know what they specifically want.

The fact this is even an option makes me want to puke, and if you chose it, you make me want to puke. We need to get this right, and though I have doubts we can, I have even bigger doubts we can if motherfuckers are picking everybody on the ballot because they have the same pretty logo that said voter is registered under.

If you picked a straight ticket, please never vote again. You make me sick. And no, it does not matter what party you picked, you're still a fucking idiot.

Labels: straight ticket